Navigating Everyday Challenges for Teenage Boys with Autism
Understanding the unique social struggles faced by teenage boys with autism is crucial for parents and caregivers. This podcast episode delves into common challenges, such as difficulty building friendships, maintaining conversations, and overcoming social isolation. We offer practical advice and support strategies to help parents navigate these complexities and foster their son's social development.
If you’re a parent grappling with how to support your highly sensitive child, we can help. Discovery Ranch provides personalized mental health treatment aimed at empowering teenagers to lead meaningful, independent lives. Our therapeutic program helps in creating life-changing experiences and building strong relationships. Start healing today. To learn more about our services, call us at 855-662-9318.
Introduction
Tiffany: In this episode, we're going to be talking about everyday challenges for your autistic teenage boy. We're going to dive into specific challenges that they may face with ASD in daily living, including social interactions, academic struggles, and sensory issues.
I'm Tiffany Herlin, a licensed clinical social worker, and today we have Chris Brown, who's a licensed marriage family therapist from a residential treatment program for teenage boys called Discovery Ranch.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy. Please always seek a mental health professional for your situation.
Common Social Challenges
Tiffany: Okay. Let's dive into this. What are some common social challenges faced by teenage boys with ASD?
Chris: So a lot of my students will come in, especially to the RTC setting, so the residential treatment setting, because they have been bullied.
They have been maligned and we've talked a little about this last podcast, but there is a struggle because they are mentally not keeping up with their peers. They are struggling to keep up with their peers. They're struggling to engage with the social activities that they have that all teenagers start to participate in: sports, relationships, all that kind of stuff. And they tend to want to stay at home. They tend to want to be socially isolated or just have one or two friends, but they also struggle with perseverances.
Tiffany: Meaning what?
Chris: Perseverances are usually like focal points or points in the students or in the sun's development where they just focus on certain things. Like I have a student at another facility that just loves pirates. You could ask him anything about pirates and he knew everything about pirates. The history of pirates, the different pirates that were in the Caribbean, all that kind of stuff. He was great at it. But that's all he wanted to talk about.
And so he has peers that are like, “Well, I want to talk about this,” or “I want to talk about girls,” or “I want to talk about boys,” or “I want to talk about sports,” or “I want to talk about school,” and he could not do that.
So he was actually really kind of pushed to the side because he was just so awkward in that because he would always try and change the subject back to himself. And it's that whole kind of, "I'm the center of the universe and everything should be revolving around me" mentality. And that is one of the social, many of the social stuff that they struggle with.
Tiffany: And I'm sure our parents who are listening can relate with that. I think other common things are they can hyper focus on trains or you were saying D&D.
Chris: D&D. I mean, I like D&D. And I can talk about D&D and I can talk about other types of D&D and stuff like that. But that's not all me. I could talk about a wide range of things. I mean for these boys to be able to focus in or to be able to have that social reciprocity of understanding your interests, that's hard for them because, I mean, I'll bring in things that I think that are going to be interesting for the boys and they'll look at it and I've actually thought for weeks I'm like, "Oh, I'm going to bring this in and they're going to look at it and they're going to love it." And they'll look at it for like 30 seconds and be like, "Thanks, Chris."
I'm like, "Don't you want to take it. You can borrow this. You can look at it."
Tiffany: "This is cool."
Chris: Yeah. "This is kind of cool." And they're like, "No thanks."
Tiffany: Going back for our listeners, if you don't know what D&D is, then you're not a true nerd and it's actually really cool. I have kids who are my own kids who love it, but it's Dungeons and Dragons. I decided to throw that out there cause I know some people are like "D&D? What's that?" It's now cool, actually. So a lot of kids are getting into it.
Supporting Social Development
Tiffany: How can parents support their teenage son with social development and friendships? That's such a big challenge for our parents.
Chris: That is a big challenge. And I think being able to find other boys or other peer groups that are very similar to them, like other ASD boys, is helpful because they're going to need their own people. And I talked about this last time, that because we have a whole group of ASD boys over at the ranch, they feel comfortable, they are exploring, they're talking about other things. And especially if you have two boys that really do like and want to be around each other, but they have two separate things, like one boy likes Magic cards and the other one likes D&D, they will actually start to move into other realms because that other boy that is their friend has that other interest.
So they're actually able to kind of expand and kind of grow and then you have another boy that comes in and has like a whole Pokemon fascination and all of a sudden that starts to grow. So being able to find groups that are very similar is very helpful because if you put ASD boys with neurotypical boys of the same age, you're going to have conflict. The neurotypicals are usually going to see them as awkward, different, funny, someone that they don't want to be around.
Tiffany: And ostracize them.
Chris: Yeah, exactly. And then you also have the hygiene issues with these boys and some of the things that we're working on. And so the neurotypicals tend to very quickly tend to notice the stuff that we're working on. And so there's more pushing back, more bullying, more everything like that. And we don't want that. We want them to feel comfortable in their own skin and to be able to understand that they are unique and they can move out. They can ask other questions. They can try and be friends with other people and be okay with having that pushback.
Tiffany: Well, and I think that comes when they find their own people, when they find the people who accept them in that group, and a supportive group. I think sometimes, wouldn't you say that these kids can sometimes find themselves in kind of the outcast group that's maybe not the best influence and parents start to worry about, you know, how they are being influenced by that group because they are on the outskirts, right? So helping them find, I don't know what I'm trying to say, find kids who will support them and help them thrive versus, "Oh, we're the outcasts and we want to be the outcasts." And they want to do those things that might get them in trouble and cause them to struggle more.
Chris: And that's a great point because I think a lot of these kids really, first of all, they don't want to be ASD. They don't want to be autistic. So they find other peer groups that are embracing certain things like drugs or alcohol or being a rebel or doing this or that. And they tend to gravitate towards that because all of a sudden these kids have power, they have an identity, they have something that they want. A lot of these boys are very naive. They want to be friends with anyone and they're willing to pick up these bad habits and these bad influences because they're so desperate for friends and all of a sudden these people will say, "Hey, we'll accept you, but you've got to partake in all the stuff that we're doing." And then all of a sudden you have this influx of bad behaviors and rebelliousness and all that kind of stuff.
Tiffany: And exposure to things they may have not gotten exposed to before, but they're accepted and we're wired for connection as well. And these boys are too. So when they get that, they'll take it on whatever level.
Chris: Oh yeah. And they're really good at the whole approach of, "bad attention is better than no attention at all."
Tiffany: Exactly.
Outdoor Activities and Health
Chris: So they want the attention. They want something to grasp and to hold on to. And if these kids give them the attention that they want, they're going to eat it up. And so that's what we do at the bunkhouse at Discovery Ranch is that we just encourage the play, encourage the interaction.
Every Monday we go on a hike because these kids want to be socially comfortable and sit in the bunkhouse and just relax in the air conditioning and stuff like that. And so every Monday for two hours, we put them all in the van and we go on a hike and it's hard.
Tiffany: Get them out of their comfort zone.
Chris: Get them out of their comfort zone. But it's funny cause they'll pair off or they'll get in threesomes and they'll just chat and talk on the way of hiking and they'll enjoy the hike. And even though they're sweating and we're all dying out there, they've learned how to not complain about it and they just enjoy themselves.
Just this Monday, it was a little scary. I was hiking with a group of five kids and they're all chatting and enjoying and talking to D&D and Magic and all that kind of stuff. And they heard a rattlesnake and it scared them and they jumped up and they're screaming and yelling.
But the rattlesnake was 15 feet away. It was far away, but it heard them and they were so curious about it and they were so interested about it. So we actually learned about rattlesnakes and it was fun. I mean, I had one kid that wanted to make a belt out of the rattlesnake and try it. And I had to kind of hold him back a little bit and say, "Hey. We're not going near it. We stay on the trail." But yeah, it was fun to see them pair off and to enjoy each other's company and to get that pro social behavior.
Tiffany: Well, you're just connecting them from their comfort zone and electronics.
Chris: Air conditioning.
Tiffany: Air conditioning, the things that are safe, their safety net and getting them outside.
There's a bunch of books I've read about how disconnecting from electronics and the comfort zone and getting outside in nature is just so good for our teenage brains.
Chris: Yes.
Tiffany: Our kids have teenage brains and we don't do it enough. Instead of, being raised through play. Kids are, you know, now disconnecting. And so, it's so important that you're getting these kids out and connected with nature and then connecting with each other.
Chris: Yes. A lot of the new research that is coming out on the ASD and kind of what works for them and what creates these lasting changes is that outside activities. So being outside and doing things that are difficult, that are stressful, that are hard. So eating healthy is one thing. So it's funny because back in the day when I was growing up, I only got candy on Halloween and Christmas. But nowadays I see candy all the time. I see these sugar sweets and stuff like that.
And a lot of the research is showing that the limbic system craves that. It craves the sugars, the carbs, all these other kind things that are what the kids crave. And so when we go on these hikes, I'll have a snack at the very end. And they bring their water bottles and I make sure that they get a big drink of water. And we go to very safe places and stuff like that. But we'll have this lesson at the end and halfway through and stuff like that, but we'll have a healthy snack. We'll have a Slim Jim. It's not that healthy, but it's protein.
Tiffany: Better than sugar and candy, right?
Chris: Exactly. It's a protein or some type of Nutri Grain bar or something that is at least a little bit healthier than what they're used to because we want to develop that prefrontal cortex. We want to develop that cognitive system. And that's, from what I've heard in the research, that that part of the brain craves the proteins, the fruits and the vegetables and all that kind of stuff, not the carbs really so much, not the sugars and stuff like that.
So going outside, eating healthy, and exercising is huge for these boys. I mean, a lot of their progress is through that, a lot of other things, but the exercise, the sunlight, the being outdoors, the hot, cold, all that kind of stuff. They thrive.
Tiffany: Yeah. You're going to help them rewire their brains doing all this.
Parenting and Encouraging Change
Tiffany: And I'm sure our parents are thinking, "Well Chris, I can't get my kid off the couch and away from electronics and to eat healthy. Like you're telling me all these things I probably should do, but that's going to be like pulling teeth."
What do you say to those parents who are like, "This is great stuff, Chris, but you don't know my kid."
Chris: Yeah. Pull the teeth. It has to happen. There has to be change. And one thing I've noticed with these boys, and in using any of the boys or girls that I've worked with, is that side by side is better than just telling a kid, you've got to do this. So saying, "Hey, you and I, let's go for a walk. Let's walk the dog together." Instead of saying, "Hey, why don't you go walk the dog?" Or, "Hey, you and I are going to wash the dishes together" or we're going to go out and eat healthy or we're going to go and talk to this professional together to make some changes in life. Or we're going to make goals together because as a teenager or anyone, we don't want to be told what to do if we're a teenager and they're the same way. They need that side by side work that is so paramount.
Tiffany: Well, one of the best sessions I had was putting on my running shoes and going running with one of my kids. And we had such a great session when we were running side by side with each other. And this was a kid who didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch and not talk about anything and it was amazing to see his capacity when he was running next to me.
And same with my own kids, you know, in the summer I get this and I'm sure parents listening can feel my pain like, getting your kids to go outside and play and disconnect from electronics and the air conditioning. And you know, finally get my teenage daughter to be like, you're going for a walk with me.
Like I'm walking every day. Come out. You got to at least get outside once and go for a walk. And I get that it is hard and it is pulling teeth, but you can stick with it and you can get your kids there, as painful as it is. But you're right. Doing it with them. Not just, "You have to do this.
Do this on your own." It's like, "No, I'm going to do it with you."
Academic Challenges
Tiffany: Yeah. I love that. Let's shift gears a little bit. What about academic challenges that these teenage boys encounter?
Chris: So academic challenges; usually these students that come through our doors very much like academics at times.
So we've got this wide spectrum of kids. So there's the one side that really does like the structure, the being able to go in and succeed and do all the stuff with math, science, English and stuff like that. They might have some outliers where they struggle. They do really well in some of the sciences and stuff like that and math and everything, but English might be a struggle for them.
And then you have other students that are just scared of school. They've had failure after failure after failure and they are just worried tremendously about going to school. So they have all this anxiety building up to go to school.
Tiffany: Maybe some school refusal at that point?
Chris: Yeah. Wanting to sit out in the academic commons, which is kind of our big area in the academic wing of Discovery Ranch. But what we do with Discovery Ranch and the bunkhouse boys is that if we do have a student that is struggling, we do have a resource room. And I've hand picked, I mean, there was a time when we were coming over from Discovery Academy and going over here, the academic team was like, "No, Chris, your kids will just fit right in with the other students. It'll be perfect."
And I was like, "No, I can't. I won't let that happen. I've got to have some of my teachers that I've worked with over at Discovery Academy come over with me because they are special education people that know how to work with my students."
And they're like, "Chris, no, no, no." And it's funny because like, a week later, they're like, "Chris, I think we need some help here."
And I'm like, "I told you." So we brought over the group, we created the resource room over there. I think it was already over there, but specifically designed for a lot of my students that need that extra support, that one on one, the hands on.
Tiffany: With adults that better understand these kids.
Chris: That better understand these kids and understand when they need to take a break or when they're hungry or when they're overstimulated. And so they're really good at knowing that. I think when they get to the bigger classrooms and Discovery Ranch, we don't have really big classrooms. The biggest classroom is probably six to seven, maybe eight, but in the resource room, there's three or four students in there at a time and it goes pretty well. I mean, the teachers are great. And we, I mean, we have blowouts every once in a while, but that's kind of normal for these kids.
Tiffany: And I feel like schools now are progressing enough depending on where you live, obviously in resources, but a lot of schools are recognizing that these kids have different needs and that as a parent, you can advocate for your student who's on the spectrum of educational needs, right?
You know there's things for parents listening, if you're not already familiar with, I'm going to assume that most of my parents listening already know this stuff, but just in case you don't, I mean you can request to have what's called like a 504, which is where they have extra support.
And then there's also an IEP which is individual education plan, where it has specific things, like they might need more time on a test or they need someone to read to them versus, you know, help them if they're struggling with reading or they may need a fidget toy, you know, or instead of sitting on a chair, they might need one of those yoga balls, things like that, that these kids need that maybe rather than seeing it as a distraction or limitation, and that they're not motivated and they don't want to learn, it's helping them say, "Okay, what can we get them so that they can thrive and they can learn?"
Chris: Yes.
Tiffany: Does that make sense?
Chris: You're absolutely correct. I think parents really need to advocate for that because I think schools do a really good job at educating and teaching students, and if a student is starting to fall behind, especially in a high school or in a middle school, they'll fall behind because it's so big. There's so many kids and they'll blame the parents, they'll push it off to the parents and stuff like that.
So parents need to advocate and be able to say, "Hey, my student needs extra things to be able to access the curriculum and to move forward." And if parents don't do that and just kind of say, "Oh, well, the kid's the problem, you just need to shape up" and stuff like that, it's just going to hold him back even more and more.
So it's kind of scary if parents don't kind of step up and say, "Hey, I need to help."
Importance of Advocacy for Students with ASD
Tiffany: Well, and if you're a parent listening and you haven't, there are ways to advocate and to get their needs met at school, for sure.
How important is early intervention for addressing social challenges faced by teenage boys with ASD and what resources are available for families who need it?
Chris: I usually work with some of the bigger states like California, New York, Florida, and others. And I know those states have a lot more services and abilities to be supportive. I have a cousin of mine that has a level three ASD son and they were able to do a lot of testing on him at a very, very young age. I think we can actually figure out if a student is autistic at probably 18 months or possibly sooner. They're looking at eye movement and being able to catch it that way.
Usually a neurotypical baby will look at the eyes and then look away and look at the eyes and look away.And usually the looking away is they're processing information or they're trying to calm themselves down, and regulate. So they'll look at the eyes.
An ASD baby will look at parts of the face, so it'll look all over like at the ear or the forehead or the chin and stuff like that. So they actually can have the computer track where the young baby is looking to be able to kind of see where, if that student is possibly going to go down the route of an ASD child, and so they can pick them out really quickly and then they can get the services they need.
Some school districts are better. Some school districts are not as good. Some have a lot of programs available, some do not. And so being able to kind of start to pinpoint, especially at that young age.
Driving through Utah, I see a lot of billboards and there's a lot of billboards that say if your child is hypersensitive to sound or light or anything like that, they might be autistic spectrum disorder, so please get the help you need to contact these people. So if you see that, so if you see certain signs in a very young student, so if they're hypersensitive to certain sounds, if they don't like textures, if they struggle with play, if they're fidgety or overstimulated or if they cry a lot or they're just too calm. Actually, if they don't cry, they're just really kind of too relaxed. You always want to ask your pediatrician and kind of start that process of finding out what's going on because there are kind of milestones that they have to reach.
And if they don't reach those milestones, then you want to ask those questions to kind of start the process of seeing. I mean, we've also seen that if women who give birth are later on in life, they're in their forties or fifties, they tend to have more ASD kids. And so if you're older, know that we probably have to find out if that's a possibility.
Tiffany: Well, I think it's important to find this out earlier because it's going to save our parents a lot of heartache, right?
Chris: Yes.
Tiffany: Because again, I talk about a family member being diagnosed in their 40s. I mean, she struggled so much with her parents not understanding her and accepting her just with, you know, ADHD that it was painful. Like there was a narrative she grew up with that she wasn't smart enough and she wasn't loved enough and you know, didn't belong. And so helping our parents recognize this early and realize there's nothing wrong with your child. They just process things differently. That's really what neurodiverse means is that their brain is wired differently and processes things differently, and they need different things, then it's going to limit those meltdowns in their behaviors. Not that they won't have them. They're still going to have them, but it will help the parent have a different set of perspective and glasses on and then different tools set to know how to meet those needs so that it's a little easier to navigate. It won't be easy, but a little easier, right?
Understanding and Managing Teenage Years
Chris: I always tell my parents, especially after Discovery Ranch, if they're going home, the prognosis or what we're going to be looking at for their son is that they're going to have maybe six to nine months of really good behavior, being able to go to school, having probably a little meltdowns here and there, struggles here, but then we're going to have a meltdown their teenage years. They're going to have a meltdown. Six months, normal meltdown, and then another good six months, meltdown. It's normal for these teenage boys to be able to do that and for them to be able to say, "Okay. So that's not a setback."
And I said, "No, that's normal and that's a good thing because he's able to maintain it for six months, nine months, and meltdown. Six months, nine months, meltdown. And that's normal, especially coming out of an RTC or doing all the work he's done. That's who he is. He's going to have these meltdowns.”
Tiffany: Well, when you can help parents front load and know what to expect, they're less likely to hit that panic button and to also fall into that limbic system of flight or freeze and then react in a negative way, right?
Chris: Exactly.
Tiffany: It's like, "Okay. I was prepped for this. I knew this was coming, this is how we're going to handle it and we're going to get through it."
Chris: Yeah. And also for them to know that as he reaches adulthood, as these young men reach adulthood, the brain does settle down, the brain will calm down, the brain will settle down there. The hormones get stabilized. They're no longer going through puberty.
Tiffany: It's not going to last forever.
Chris: It's not going to last forever. It's just these struggle teenage years where things are going all wonky on the young man's body and his mind and stuff like that, that we need to protect and to keep him safe and to teach him how to make forward progress.
Tiffany: I love helping any of my parents that I work with realize that teenage years are hard because the brain specifically seeks out high risk behavior. They want to push boundaries. They're going to pull away. This is all normal stuff. And oh, and their brain's not fully developed and they don't have the executive functioning skills yet. So they're going to be kind of idiots behind the wheel and do stupid things with their friends. Now we want to limit the high risk, right? But allow them to take some high risk in a safe environment, like helping our parents understand that that's a normal teenage development.
Plus let's throw neurodiversity on top of this, like you're just going to equip our parents with more and more tools in their toolbox.
Chris: And to let them know as well that, especially the teenage brain, the brain develops from the back to the front, and we want this part of the brain to really kind of develop, and so we're still kind of waiting for this part to really kind of mature and to grow and that's usually 18, 19, 20 years old. So we just have to keep them safe, especially these kids that come into residential treatment centers.
Tiffany: Well, and our kids are on the spectrum sometimes as late as 20. It's helping our parents realize that, yes, he may have turned 18 or even 20, but it doesn't mean he's functioning at a 20 year old level that you would expect.
Chris: Exactly.
Tiffany: Yeah. And maybe he's not ready to go to college and live on his own, even though that's what society tells you he's supposed to do.
Recommendations for Social Skill Programs
Tiffany: What social skill groups or programs can you recommend for families and their sons with ASD?
Chris: It's definitely determined by what is in your area. I've talked to the parents and there's a lot of social pragmatics groups out there and they actually have groups where they learn about these social skills, social reciprocity and all that kind of stuff. That's going to be so important for him, but also to have a therapist that knows what to do and kind of how to help that young man or young woman to be able to navigate that social skills and be able to navigate all that kind of stuff.
So social pragmatics is huge. A neurodiverse specialist is huge. But just being able to reach out and find those resources in your area is going to be huge. I'll have parents say, "What can I do and how can I do it?" So I'll do some research on Google and find a telephone number and say, "Just call this number and then start the process. If they're not the people, say, 'Hey, where can you lead me next?’' And find those groups and find those social circles that you can develop and find that will be helpful."
We actually have at every single program that I've worked at Facebook groups of parents that all get together and they all chat about the program and facility. Some good, some not so good. But they all chat and they're really good at being very supportive of each other and they are resource bound.
You'll have one mom or dad that has been at that facility for a year and a half and they have all the knowledge and stuff like that. They know who to talk to, where to go. And then all of a sudden you have a brand new parent come in and say, "Hey, I need help." And then another mom is like, "I got the information," or this dad says, "I know what to do."
So be part of those Facebook groups, especially if you're at an RTC or some type of therapeutic boarding school.
Tiffany: You're saying reach out. You're not alone.
Chris: You're not alone.
Tiffany: You don't have to be on an island. You don't have to live in the shame that maybe you're feeling like you're not a good enough parent and you're failing because you're not. Either you are a good enough parent, this is just such a complex issue and you are not alone. I can't say that enough. I know if you're sick of hearing it, I'm sorry, but you're not.
Chris: You're not.
Tiffany: You're not alone in this.
Chris: No, it's amazing how many resources are out there and you just have to go out there and get them.
Tiffany: And help your son or daughter find those resources as well and help them succeed and thrive versus, you know, feeling like they keep falling behind.
Role of Technology in Social Interactions
Tiffany: What role does technology play in social interactions for teenagers with ASD? This is a big one.
Chris: This is a big one, because a lot of my boys that come into the ranch have Xbox addictions, PlayStation addictions, computer addictions. They're playing all the time. They're trying to relax. They're trying to hit that relaxation setting. And we talked about how if there's too much stress, then they go limbic. And if there's too much relax there, they don't make any progress. They just kind of sit on it and they want to sit on it.
Unfortunately, when the research has shown that Xbox, PlayStation, all these video games are actually stimulating. So it's actually stimulating the brain. So when you go and ask the student or the son or daughter to get off their Xbox or their PlayStation, they get mad at you because they're stimulated. playing the games.
And so parents need to be very careful in limiting that, being able to say, "Hey, only this time after all these chores and after all these homework things are done." And I know, I hear the horror stories during COVID where parents had to work or to do stuff in another room and they allow their son or daughter to just get on the computer or just to interact with the computer and then all of a sudden now we have the addiction piece. So they're stimulated to play these games because it's fun. There's a methodology to it. There's rules to it and they like that.
Tiffany: Well, not only to mention sometimes there's that social piece too, right? That's, I don't have to read body language. It's easier, much less confrontation, less rejection, easier path of resistance to connect with someone.
Chris: Exactly. And it's fun and it's fun and they enjoy it. And it does go with that whole premise of I'm trying to avoid life and life is difficult and life is stressful. I don't need, I don't want that.
Video games are fun, but they are stimulating. So you're actually throwing a little bit of gas on the fire when they're playing video games. We want a healthy level of use. I hate to say this because I'm almost 50 years old and I like video games every once in a while. Most days I come home and I'll play a half an hour on my Xbox and enjoy it and then get off and do some other stuff and I enjoy that time.
Tiffany: Decompression.
Chris: Yeah, that decompression. And I'm using that because I worked hard. I got home and now I'm just going to decompress a little bit.
Tiffany: But your brain can process like, "here's my limit" versus a neurodiverse brain. They don't have that awareness and that concept of, "Oh, I've been on for three hours."
Chris: Yeah. So it's the same way with a full refrigerator. A lot of these kids will come into the ranch very heavy-set. They're very unhealthy. They've eaten at a house at home because they're stuck in the house during COVID and stuff like that. And so they have food addictions now. So we have electronic addictions, food addictions and then when the parents are trying to put limits on the kids, then we have the violence, then we have the aggression, then we have the pushback.
Tiffany: Well it's interesting you bring this up there is a book that is trending that any parent should honestly listen to, I don't know if you've read it, but the Anxious Generation.
Chris: I have not.
Tiffany: It's so good. I just finished reading it. It's basically about how we've gone from, I talked about this I think previously, we've gone from a play based childhood to an online electronic based childhood where parents have lived in kind of this fear of like, well, if I let my kids roam about in the streets at night, they're going to get kidnapped or they're going to get hit by a car. These scary things are going to happen to them. So they've limited this going out and having this normal childhood. You and I could probably tell stories about being out till the streetlights come on, right? And how normal that was. We didn't have cell phones and our parents didn't know where we were and what we were doing.
But now as even myself, as a parent, it's like, "Well, where are you going to be? Whose house are you going to be at? And how long are you going to be there? And you better come home at this time, right?" We live in this kind of fear, but yet we don't limit their online activity because it's easier to not think about it as an immediate danger, but the online activity is not built for kids. It's built for adults.
Social media, video games aren't necessarily built for kids, right? They're built for our adult brains to set our own limits. There aren't limits on it and what they can be exposed to. So the book just talks about how it's rewired our kids' brains and causes them to be disconnected, more anxious. We're seeing more mental health issues. And so you throw that on top of a neurodiverse brain and the impact is having. I recommend it to you, to all our listeners. And he talks about research and then what we can do differently as a society and what we need to be doing differently.
Chris: Yeah. Anxious Generation? Is that it?
Tiffany: Yeah. We'll post about it and link it. It's such a profound book and, and so much based on the research that they're just now finding.
Shift in Parenting Perspective
Chris: Yeah. And I also think it goes back to like, our generation was considered the "feral generation." We were out in the streets. We were out playing. We were out until the street lights turned on and I was climbing on people's houses and exploring and doing all this crazy stuff as kids.
Tiffany: I was climbing trees and building tree huts, things like that.
Chris: And then we have now parents that are very protective and very kind of closed off and very kind of like, I'm going to make sure that you're safe and you're going to be safe in this room with the Xbox or with the PlayStation.
Tiffany: And that's the babysitter.
Chris: That's the babysitter, instead of being able to say, “You know what? You and I are going to go to the park together. You and I are going to go out to run together or walk the dog together or do something outside.”
Tiffany: Go out in nature, like you were talking about earlier, which they're finding from research. There's another book I read about just how nature rewires a kid's brain alone and how we need that stimulation. They call it “Risk Based Play” and it's about how important it is that kids do take that kind of risky play outdoors, but not to the extent that it's going to put them at real risk, right? Does that make sense?
Chris: That makes sense.
Tiffany: Yeah. So a lot of them, you're talking about rock wall climbing and hikes, things that are really good for a kid's teenage brain, especially a kid who's neurodiverse and they need it. So we're allowing them to explore in a safe environment.
Chris: Yeah. Bike riding, swimming, hiking, all this other stuff that ASD kids struggle with already because of their visual and spatial things that are going on with their brains, they need all those sports and activities that really kind of stimulate the brain because that's an area that they struggle with.
And so it’s important to encourage that instead of having all the electronics, which need to be monitored and controlled.
Tiffany: Which doesn't have limits. And as parents, it's constantly evolving and it's hard to keep on top of. And it's just a world that we're not familiar with. In fact, from the book I was reading, he refers to it as like sending our kids to Mars.
Chris: Yes.
Tiffany: We don't know the consequences of shipping our kids off to Mars and what that might mean for their development, right? He's just saying it's such an unknown territory and it's hard to keep up with and there aren't limits for kids on it.
So, yeah. Again, if we could shift as a society, we could not only help kids who are on the spectrum and neurodiverse, but just all of our kids.
Chris: Yes.
Tiffany: Because I guarantee if you're a parent listening to this, you've had struggles with technology and getting our kids to disconnect from it and to engage with the real world. This technology, even as an adult, is hard to manage at times.
Chris: Yeah, and I feel very bad for parents because parenting is a struggle. I mean, especially in this day and age with all the different social influences and all the different other things out there, because it is. It's kind of a little scarier world than when we were growing up. And to be able to say, "Hey, I want to keep you safe and the house is safe. I can lock the doors. I can put stuff like that." And there's times when we have to encourage our kids and our students and our sons and daughters and stuff like that to take some very healthy risks and to be stressed out a little bit and to have some social interactions and to go on a bike ride and I mean, I would bike ride and we would fall off the bike and get all skinned up and that was something that happened all the time.
Tiffany: This summer, I shifted my perspective as a parent. I've been encouraging my teenage daughter to be like, "Go find your friends, get on your bikes and go somewhere. I don't care where. Go ride it down to Dairy Queen."
And she's like, "That's kind of far."
I'm like, "You're gonna be fine. I trust you. Just get out of the house and go do something fun."
This is kind of new to her. She's like, "Oh, are you sure, mom?"
I'm like, "Yes, please go have fun with your friends. Get out, connect with the real world, go take some risks that aren't obviously going to put you in danger."
And it's really shifted my perspective as a parent myself.
Available Resources for Parents
Tiffany: In our next episode that's coming up, we are going to dive more into the challenges of parenting a teenage boy and what resources are available. I'm grateful that you talked about our parents reaching out on facebook groups, reaching out to other parents, school districts, therapists who are specialized in neurodiversity because they're out there.
Yeah, and sometimes if you're in a rural area, they're harder to find but thank goodness for the internet and connection on the internet. That is the one positive, right thing about technology that we have and that we should be using especially for our parents.
So if you're listening, parents, you're not alone. There are resources available and we're going to dive more into what we can do to help support you as a parent with those challenging tasks that you have to raise a son who's neurodiverse.
Chris: I love it.
Tiffany: And you're not alone. I'm gonna say it again.
Chris: Yeah. There's definitely resources out there.
Tiffany: Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
Chris: You're welcome.