The Emotional Toll on Parents of Teens With Autism: Practical Advice and Strategies for Parents

Tiffany: How can parents manage stress and avoid burnout?

Chris: There is something that I advocate for the kids to do, but it also works with adults as well and it's a great way to avoid the stress or burnout. So the same things that we do with the boys here, we go on hikes, we are outside, we do exercise, we eat healthy, all that kind of stuff that is huge. I think that being able to run and being able to get your heart rate up helps with mental health which helps with endorphins and helps with depression, anxiety, eating healthy, and feeling good. Eating a balanced meal instead of eating all just sugars and sweets and stuff like that.

Tiffany: This is what your body wants when you're stressed.

Chris: We've got to fight that and say, "Hey, I'm gonna eat the proteins. I'm gonna eat the veggies. I'm gonna eat the fruits and stuff like that and try to limit the unhealthy foods to get to a healthy eating habit." I also advocate a lot and this is demonstrated in the research, especially when it comes to depression and anxiety. You probably know about journal writing when it comes to writing gratitude and just saying, "I'm going to write five things this morning and five things at night of what I'm grateful for for the day." It takes a few weeks for you to start to feel a little bit more sound and a little bit better. If you're consistently doing that, you will start to feel better about your life and you realize that you have so much stuff going for you and that life is better than what your brain is telling you.

Tiffany: It shifts your focus and helps ground you. There's a lot of research about gratitude lists. It is not just like "Be positive", but trying to find that silver lining and those scenes that you can be grateful for genuinely and not just fake it. Right?

Chris: Exactly, and so there are kids that push back at the start. I think any adult would push back at exercising or eating healthy or gratitude journal or anything, or even positive affirmations. Being able to talk to yourself and just say, "Hey, I'm a good person."

Tiffany: Changing that narrative, you know, "I am a great parent. I'm doing the best I can." Let's normalize that for parents. The way that our brains are wired, they don't want to change. They want the path of least resistance and they're going to fight back when, even if it's good for you. Even if it's eating vegetables and exercising, your brain doesn't like to change. Your brain fights you. That's why habits and New Year's resolutions are so hard, and people fall off the bandwagon a couple of weeks, or months in because your brain is like, "No thank you, I don't want to do that. I already know what works." It's not great for us, but it works, and we know it, and we know what to expect.

We don't want to change. So give yourself some grace as you're going through these different changes and then when you give yourself grace, you get to give your kids grace when they also struggle.

Chris: Yes and to push back against those negative thoughts is very important because evolutionary-wise, we are designed to be negative.

Negative keeps us safe, negative protects us and we tend to be very negative, even in a safe environment. Living in a community, living in a city, living in a house with AC, with heating, with all the different things that we have, it's pretty safe. We have a lot going for us, but our brains are wired to be negative.

So with parents, being able to push back against that negativity and say, "Hey, even though I want to be negative, I need to start looking at some of the things that are going on in my life. My son might be struggling right now but there are a lot of good things that are going on with him as well. There's a lot of progress.” So that pushes back against evolution. It pushes back against what we're designed to do and it's very human because I always tell the boys, "You know what? You've got this conflict inside of you. You want to be limbic or you want to be cognitive.” You want to be able to think your way through things, which is cognitive, or you want to be able to just be rude or push back, on society and stuff like that and just be limbic.

Tiffany: We say either their wizard brain or their lizard brain, I don't know if you've heard that term.

Chris: Yes, I've heard that term, I like that one. But yes so when it comes to parents, we've got to have those positive affirmations.

Even if we have to write them down and be able to say them out loud in front of a mirror every single day in the morning at night and just say these positive things. When you're driving and all of a sudden that part of your brain goes negative.

Tiffany: I'm not good enough.

Chris: I'm not good enough. I'm a horrible mother. I'm a horrible father. My family's in the gutter and stuff like that. We've got to say “No, things are going as well as they can. I'm going to look at the positives and do better.”

Tiffany: A program I worked at has a mission statement they say every day and every night of who they are. Not who they want to be, but who they are and I've started picking up that practice myself and doing these positive affirmations. It does rewire your brain.

Your brain's going to fight back and your brain knows when you're not being genuine with your statements, right?

They have to be genuine statements. So you start where you can, even if you can't say you love yourself, start where "I like myself" You start where you're at, where your brain's not going to call you on your BS. But it is so powerful for your brain, and it opens up the door for you to set an example to your child that you can change and you can rewire your brain and fight against your brain's need to feel safe and want to do the path of least resistance. You give yourself grace, which allows you to give your child grace when they are struggling to change.

Parents, we understand and we see the stress and the burnout that you're in and we know that you're not alone in it and there is a way to manage it. It's not easy and it's not going to go away overnight, but there are ways and things that you can do over time that will strengthen you and empower you to not get to that level where you are just unraveled and can't go anymore.

Tiffany: Recognize when you need a break and some parents might be listening and be like, "Tiffany, I don't ever get a break." But yes, there are times you have to fit it in. Whether it's a five-minute meditation here or it's asking for a relative to just sit with your son, whatever it is. Even if it's five minutes, or ten minutes here, finding those moments to get your moment of peace.

Chris: Yes, you're correct. So if that moment of peace is at the gym or just walking with your son, you can take that moment where you're taking some deep breaths, where you're having some positive affirmations, where you are meditating or doing yoga or anything that gives you that moment. Even talking to a trusted friend or a therapist and being able to open up to that person and use them as a sounding board and just say, "Hey, I'm struggling and I need some support." If that works for you, then do that.

Tiffany: You've got to get your nervous system regulated because the more you can be that steady adult who's showing how to regulate your nervous system, the better your child is going to be at managing theirs.

Chris: The phrase that I use with the kids and I've used this before in this podcast is "Worry is like a rocking horse. It makes a lot of movement, but you don't get anywhere.” Action is what is going to create lasting change and create better outcomes and the more that you push yourself and you don't like to push yourself. We would rather be on the couch in the AC relaxed and just doing our stuff, but that's not gonna help us with the burnout. That's not going to help us with our son's or daughter's issues. We need to take some action, meaning learning about the diagnosis, learning about what to do, how to help, and what to make better. These boys that I'm working with, are part of that path of least resistance. They want to just sit around and play video games all day and not go to school and not do anything and eat sugar all day and just have fun.

A lot of teenagers want to do that and that's not going to help them. It's going to keep them back. It's going to make it worse.

Tiffany: It doesn't get them out of their comfort zones and comfort zones are where nothing grows.

Chris: Exactly. I once had a parent we were talking about stress and I let the parent know that I go to the gym, I wake up at four in the morning and I go to the gym at five and I do a lot of stuff at the gym because I love the gym.

It rejuvenates me because the kids can run rampant around me if I don't go to the gym. I have a history of depression and anxiety in my family and I don't want that to overtake me because I want to dedicate myself and have a full focus on work and family and all that kind of stuff.

So I go to the gym and I work out. While I was talking to this one mother, she said, "Chris, I'm stressed out all the time and stress is my enemy. Stress hurts me. Stress is the worst. It just, makes me worry and I just get stuck in my stress and it causes me to overeat." It causes her to do all this stuff that is probably not the best for her and her family.

As we were talking, I realized that something and I told her, "Hey, stress for me is an ally, it is a friend.” If we can get to that point where stress is a good thing, it gets us up in the morning. It gets us working. It gets us learning about, our work, how to help other people, and how to be supportive of other people.

That is huge. I wanted that for her and so we talked a lot about how we can find out and work with stress as an ally instead of an enemy because stress for her stopped her growth. Stress for me makes me want to grow because I don't want stress to overcome me to get to the point where it's too much.

Tiffany: It's motivating, so it's helping parents change that perspective as well. Not only their son.