When Hope Felt Lost A Family's Journey to Healing
Host Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, joins Rivka and her son Aiden to share their family’s transformative journey through residential treatment. They discuss the emotional challenges, misconceptions, and the importance of family involvement in healing when home is no longer a safe option.
Introduction to the Healing Journey
Tiffany: Welcome to our podcast. I’m Tiffany Silva Herlin, a therapist dedicated to helping families heal. Today, we’re exploring the real story of a family who has walked the difficult—but—transformative path of residential treatment.
In this three-part series, we sit down with Rivka and Aiden, a family who made the tough decision to send their child to Discovery Ranch. They’ve generously offered to share their story of healing and hope. We’ll explore what led them to residential treatment, what the experience was like, and how life has changed since.
You’ll hear honest reflections from both Rivka and Aiden as they share the highs and lows of the healing journey. Whether you’re a parent considering residential treatment, a professional in the field, or someone seeking hope amid struggle, this series offers real insight, support, and inspiration.
Please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. Always consult a mental health professional for guidance specific to your situation.
Let’s dive in.
Thank you both so much for being here with us today. Let’s start by having you introduce yourselves. Can you tell us a little bit about what life was like before coming to Discovery Ranch?
Aiden: I’m Aiden.
Life before Discovery Ranch was kind of chaotic. Honestly, everything before treatment feels like a blur.
Tiffany: That makes sense. It sounds like it was a chaotic time.
Aiden: Yeah.
Tiffany: You were in crisis, right?
Rivka: Absolutely. I would describe life before treatment as a constant cycle of crisis and drama.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Recognizing the Need for Help
Rivka: And trauma. We spent years trying different types of short-term care—outpatient therapy, various programs, and different interventions. But eventually, we hit a wall. We had exhausted all of our resources at home and within our family. We needed something different—something outside our normal support system—to keep Aiden and our whole family safe.
Tiffany: How did you know it was time to move forward with something more? Was there a moment that made it clear?
Rivka: The frequency and intensity of the episodes and crises were getting so extreme—so scary and unsafe—that we just ran out of options. We had used everything that was locally available to us, and we knew it was time to try something different.
So, we hired an educational consultant. That first experience didn’t go very smoothly—we ended up in a program that wasn’t the right fit. Within 36 hours, we knew it wasn’t going to work, so we made a change. That program referred us to a new consultant who was a much better fit. They worked with us, acknowledged the mismatch, and helped us figure out what Aiden needed.
From there, I would say we were supported by the most amazing team I could have hoped for. The professionals we worked with—through both the initial program and the second one, our new consultant, and even our family were all so helpful. That network of support was crucial. Whether it was support for me as a parent, for Aiden as the student, or for our other children, who were kind of just along for the ride—we were surrounded by love, care, and professionalism.
Tiffany: It sounds like what you're saying—and I think this is so important for other parents to hear—is that you had exhausted all your resources. You could no longer provide the level of support, or even safety, that Aiden needed at the time. Right?
Rivka: Yes.
Tiffany: And I think many parents in that situation start to feel like they’ve failed—like, “I couldn’t help my child. I must have done something wrong.” But what I’m hearing is that this was just beyond the scope of what a parent can handle alone. You needed a village. You needed professional support to help Aiden get on the right path toward healing. Is that right?
Rivka: Yes. I think those feelings of failure come later. In the moment—and my kids have heard me say this a hundred times—I did the best I could in every moment.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: In that crisis moment, I didn’t have time to dwell on feelings of failure because safety was the priority.
Tiffany: You were in survival mode.
Rivka: Exactly. When you’re in crisis, you're just trying to get to a place of safety and stability. And in a family system, it’s never just the one child in crisis. There are other children, there are parents—it affects the whole system.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: So yes, those feelings of failure did come, but not right away. At the time, I was focused on one thing: Where can I find a structure that will keep my child safe and alive? We’d work out the rest later.
And that’s where having the right professionals in place is critical. You’re in crisis. It’s hard to even think clearly, let alone sort through everything you’re feeling. A friend of mine who was in a similar situation described it as feeling like she was stuck in a front-loading washing machine—just spinning constantly, never stopping long enough to get her bearings.
That’s exactly how it felt. Getting Aiden to a safe place where I knew he was being helped—that gave me the space to finally look inward and then also attend to my other kids, and myself.
I don’t think those feelings of failure settled in until maybe two or three weeks after he was placed. During the decision-making phase, there were so many phone calls, interviews, and discussions.
Transitioning to Treatment
Rivka: Then you make the move, and suddenly you’re in transition mode.
At the first program we tried, they wanted us there a lot. So his dad and I were alternating—going in every other day for a few hours to be part of the program, as they asked us to be.
That lasted the first three weeks. Then we moved to Texas, to a program for kids with neurological issues. That was a whole different experience—very focused on physical and psychiatric stabilization. Therapy was happening every day, but the main goal was to stabilize Aiden first.
Once he graduated from that program, we were able to look at residential treatment, and that’s when we found Discovery Ranch.
Tiffany: You mentioned hiring an educational consultant. For listeners who aren’t familiar with that, can you explain a little about what that role looks like?
Rivka: I’m sure there’s a formal description, but for us, it was someone who met us where we were. They understood our family, our child, and our needs—and they knew about a wide range of programs. They helped guide us toward options that might be a good fit.
At every stage when a change needed to happen, our consultant gave us three or four options. I appreciated that she never told us what she thought was the “right” answer.
Aiden: Yeah, they’re kind of like the middleman. They’re the ones who reach out to the programs first, and then come back to you and say, “I think this might be a good fit.” They talk to the program, then talk to you—they’re literally in the middle.
Rivka: Right. It meant we didn’t have to waste time exploring programs that weren’t a match or weren’t willing to work with us. She would vet the programs ahead of time—send them Aiden’s packet—and if they expressed interest, then she’d present them to us.
I’m sure some programs saw his file and said, “This isn’t a fit,” and we just never heard about those.
Aiden: We could probably ask her for the list!
Tiffany: But really, it just made your job easier. You were already in crisis. You were traumatized. Aiden’s safety was at risk, and you needed to act fast. Instead of spending hours Googling and trying to figure things out, you had someone who already knew the landscape—someone with relationships at these programs, someone who could vet them for you.
Rivka: Exactly. I think it’s also really important to have the right educational consultant. The first one we worked with completely changed our narrative. When we finally saw the forms he had submitted, they were just... untrue. I think he may have altered our situation to make us seem like a more appealing case to programs, but that didn’t serve anyone.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: As soon as we arrived at the program and they saw Aiden and understood who he was, it was obvious something didn’t match what they had been told. Within 36 hours, we were discharging him. That was a major failure on the consultant’s part.
We had been honest. He had spoken with Aiden’s psychiatrist, his therapist, his school—there were hours of phone calls, some of them late at night. We were fully transparent. But the program didn’t receive the truth. We never even saw what was sent.
So, having an educational consultant who meets you where you're at and represents your child accurately—it’s the only way to do this.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: They need to truly understand your child and be honest about it.
Tiffany: So it sounds like that relationship has to be based on trust, just like any other professional relationship in this process.
Rivka: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Whether it's a therapist, a staff member, or a consultant, there needs to be trust and mutual respect to create the system of support and healing your child and family need.
Rivka: Exactly. And I’d say that, generally, professionals in this industry are good-hearted and genuinely want to help. But often, it’s the parents who struggle the most with being vulnerable.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: That’s where the shame creeps in. That fear of being exposed. “What are they going to think of me? Am I a terrible parent?” But you have to do what’s right, and you have to let your support system know where you’re actually at. That takes honesty.
Having been in multiple programs and spoken to many other parents, I’ve seen that the families who come out of this stronger are the ones who fully engage—who are truthful, vulnerable, and plugged in.
And yes, there’s shame. There’s discomfort. There’s owning your own mistakes and bringing your whole self, flaws and all, into the process. But without that, there’s no real transformation.
Tiffany: Oh yeah.
Rivka: Aiden and I have seen families that barely participate. They show up in a surface-level way, and what they get out of it is also surface-level. It’s not sustainable.
Observations on Family Dynamics
Aiden: Yeah. It’s really hard to watch, especially when you get close to kids in treatment. You see some of them graduate, but it’s clear their parents weren’t involved. And then, instead of going home or to a normal boarding school, they get sent to another program. And another.
It’s like the parents are just waiting for them to age out of the system.
Tiffany: So the parents aren’t fully invested.
Aiden: Exactly.
Tiffany: So what I’m hearing from you, Aiden, is that parent involvement matters.
Aiden: Yeah.
Tiffany: Why is that?
Aiden: Because your parents didn’t send you to treatment just to get rid of you. They sent you because it wasn’t safe for them, or for you, and you needed help. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want you.
Their goal should be to reunite with you as soon as you’re ready. And to do that, they need to be involved. They need to witness your growth, your progress, so they can be ready for you to come home.
Tiffany: That makes a lot of sense. And I know I’m jumping ahead a little, e—but I do want to come back and talk more about the role of parents and families in the treatment process. Because it’s not just the child who needs to heal—the whole system needs to heal.
Rivka: Exactly. I think it’s important to recognize—and own—that if one member of the system is struggling, odds are the system itself needs attention.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: We have four children. The other three were fairly typical, drama-free teenagers—and they’re thriving now.
Aiden: I’d say I’m thriving now, too.
Rivka: Yes, 100%.
Tiffany: That’s so great to hear.
Rivka: We didn’t face the same challenges with the other three, but I’ll be honest—our entire family has evolved through Aiden’s treatment process. All of us have benefited from the changes we’ve made. Every single person in our family has grown. The relationships between the kids, their relationships with themselves, with us as parents—it’s all transformed.
Because honestly, what family doesn’t need to work on communication, or on breaking out of old behavioral patterns?
Tiffany: And understanding the roles everyone plays—who gets stuck in what role, and why…
Rivka: Exactly. There’s been so much self-awareness and so much growth. And while I wish we could’ve arrived at this place through a less painful path, I can say with certainty that Aiden’s journey has been the catalyst for deep, meaningful change in our family—change that we may not have experienced otherwise.
Tiffany: I love that you’re both willing to come here and share your healing process. What you’ve gone through was incredibly traumatic, but your family has grown stronger. You’ve come together. And you’re already making it clear how important vulnerability is in treatment.
That leads me to ask—what made you want to come on the podcast and talk about all of this?
Rivka: There’s just so much confusion and stigma around residential treatment. If you haven’t seen Discovery Ranch in person, let me tell you—it’s a beautiful place. The campus is stunning. There are live animals that are deeply integrated into the experience. And the staff? They’re phenomenal.
Every single one of them is doing this work because it’s their calling. It’s not just a job. They’re committed to changing the landscape of mental health care for teenagers.
Aiden: Also, I mean—who doesn’t want to raise a calf?
Rivka: Right? Who doesn’t want to raise a calf?
Tiffany: Or work with horses? Seriously!
Misconceptions About Residential Treatment
Rivka: Exactly! But beyond the animals and the beauty of the setting, what you feel when you’re there is love. Structure. Support.
It’s the opposite of what’s portrayed in the media. There’s so much misinformation about what residential treatment is. That’s why I think it’s so important to help people understand—what is residential treatment? What does it look like? What’s the goal? How is it structured?
Because when you experience it firsthand, you see that it’s grounded in care, not punishment.
Tiffany: Discipline often gets misunderstood in this context.
Rivka: Yes—and honestly, I hesitate to even use the word “discipline” because it’s so often misinterpreted when we’re talking about treatment centers.
Aiden: But I think it depends on how you define it. The kind of discipline we’re talking about here isn’t about punishment. It’s about self-discipline—learning how to structure yourself and take accountability.
The goal is to get to a point where you are holding yourself accountable for your actions. That’s the kind of discipline we’re aiming for—not “You were bad,” but “I made this choice, and I need to own it and do better.”
Tiffany: Exactly—accountability.
Aiden: Yeah.
Tiffany: That’s such an important piece. In my experience working in this field, accountability applies to everyone, not just the students. The staff and therapists need to be held accountable, too.
Rivka: And the family. I can’t stress that enough. This isn’t about being a “bad” parent or saying you’ve failed.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: It’s about owning your part, just like the student needs to own theirs, and just like the program itself needs to take responsibility for the role it plays.
Like Aiden said, accountability is the name of the game. And it’s essential for everyone involved—parents included.
Rivka: What Aiden described earlier—about kids whose parents just send them to a program and then wait it out, maybe move them to another one and repeat the cycle—that’s what’s missing: accountability.
It’s about more than just placing your child. It’s about participating. It’s about being vulnerable and asking yourself, Where do I need to improve? Where are my relationships lacking? Where is my communication broken? Then, you do that work alongside your child.
I’ll plug a book that’s been meaningful to me—The Parallel Process. It breaks down the systems that are so critical in family dynamics, and it shows how healing works not just for the child in treatment, but for the family back home.
We were introduced to that book early on, within the first few weeks. And over the course of the 30 months of treatment, I returned to it over and over again. I’ve lent it out to other families, and I recommend it to anyone in a family system, because it’s so important to understand how our actions impact the people we love.
Tiffany: Yes. I want to dive more into what therapy was like for you, but let’s save that for the next episode. That’s such an important topic, and I’ve heard great things about that book too.
Aiden: Just to jump in—on the topic of kids complaining to their parents—I mean, as someone who went through it, we exaggerate. We’ll say anything to try and get out of doing the work.
Tiffany: So you knew exactly what buttons to push on those weekend phone calls?
Aiden: Oh yeah. I knew all the therapist “ins and outs,” and I knew my ins and outs.
Tiffany: And you’re saying other kids know that too?
Aiden: Absolutely.
Tiffany: I always try to prepare parents for that. I tell them, “When you get those first couple of phone calls with your kid, especially if a therapist isn’t present, you’re going to hear a lot. They’ll pull at your heartstrings.”
Engaging with the Treatment Program
Aiden: Right. And think about it—if we ended up in treatment, it means we were probably pretty good at manipulating. We used our behaviors to get what we wanted. And then, ironically, we ended up getting exactly what we didn’t want—treatment.
So yeah, on those calls, we’re going to try and manipulate again. It’s like a superpower. We’re going to test it—see if it still works.
Rivka: Okay, let’s just pull back a bit, if we can.
Tiffany: Yeah, I wanted to go back to something too.
The Journey to Inpatient Treatment
Rivka: Our first inpatient experience was when Aiden was about to turn 11.
Aiden: I think I had already turned 11. It was in May, and I turned 11 in April.
Rivka: That’s right—he had just turned 11. And it took us another two years before we realized we needed more than just short-term hospital stays.
During those two years, we went through multiple hospitalizations—each one triggered by a different safety crisis. Every time, we found ourselves back in that same place: a full-blown crisis where we could no longer maintain stability or safety.
It starts to feel like a horrible cycle. I’ve talked to so many other parents who say the same thing: “The police know our house. They know our family.”
We were really lucky. We were living in Baltimore County, and they were incredibly supportive. They had a mental health unit that responded to any call involving a psychiatric crisis, and that made a huge difference for us during those two years.
Tiffany: And you also had therapists involved during that time?
Rivka: Of course.
Tiffany: He was seeing someone weekly?
Rivka: More than that. At the peak of it, we were going five days a week to Kennedy Krieger.
Tiffany: Oh my goodness.
Rivka: We were doing everything we could to keep him home—to try to heal him within our family system.
Tiffany: Because no one wants to send their child away.
Rivka: Right. He didn’t want to leave, and we didn’t want to send him. It feels like rejection. It feels like you’re giving up on your child.
It feels like an ejection, even though it’s not. I remember thinking, “But I haven’t exhausted every feeling yet. I’ve got one more day in me. If I have another day in me, then today isn’t the day.”
It wasn’t until we were deep in the cycle—outpatient treatment every single day of the week, multiple hospital stays (the longest was about three weeks, the shortest maybe five or six days), constant trips to the ER—that we realized: we were out of options. We had done everything we could think of.
At that point, the question became: What’s the next step to keep our child safe?
And once you ask that question, you can’t stay frozen in your emotions. You have to keep moving. Safety has to come before your feelings.
From that realization, it took us about eight days—eight days to hire the educational consultant, look at programs, make a decision, and go. We left on the eighth day on a brutally early flight, like 6:00 a.m.
Tiffany: And did Aiden go with you?
Rivka: Yes.
Tiffany: And Aiden, did you know where you were going?
Aiden: I did. Yeah.
Rivka: That week, we had family staying with us. It was September, and we were celebrating the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. My mom was staying at the house. My brother, too. A lot was going on.
And I was overwhelmed with guilt, because I knew that from Aiden’s perspective, this felt like rejection. And as Aiden said earlier, manipulation was absolutely one of his strong suits.
Tiffany: He’s nodding.
Rivka: I remember him sobbing, his head in my lap, begging—“Please don’t make me leave. Please don’t give up on me.”
Tiffany: So he was dialing in to that “you’re abandoning me” narrative.
Rivka: Exactly.
Aiden: Pulling those heartstrings.
Rivka: Yep—pulling those heartstrings. And I like to think that part of it was genuine. But it’s a sickening feeling, knowing that your child isn’t going to sleep at home that night—and that you have no idea how long this is going to last.
Every child is different. I remember honestly thinking, in my complete delusion, “We’ll do this for six to eight weeks, and he’ll come home.”
Tiffany: Can I ask—how long had he been struggling up to that point?
Understanding the Timeline of Struggles
Rivka: Looking back, the signs were there for several years before his first hospitalization. But the truly intense phase lasted about 24 months. So obviously, you’re not going to fix something that developed over two years in just six to eight weeks.
Tiffany: That’s something I remind parents of all the time. I’ll ask, “How long has this been going on?” They’ll say, “Years.” And then I have to say, “Okay, then we can’t expect this to resolve in a few weeks.” It takes time.
Rivka: Right. And that’s where we all need to practice self-compassion—both for ourselves and our children. Try not to obsess over how long it will take. There’s no timeline you can predict.
This isn’t a program where you graduate after X number of weeks and everything’s fixed. Every child moves at their own pace. Some may need multiple programs. Others may not. Some may stay longer, some shorter. No one can truly tell you in advance.
If someone’s trying to sell you a timeline, it might be based on averages—but that doesn’t mean it will reflect your child’s reality.
Tiffany: And we can’t control every factor. We can’t always control their choices—or how accountability plays out.
Rivka: That’s one of the earliest lessons we had to learn: you can only control yourself.
Tiffany: Yes.
Rivka: I can’t control my child’s journey. I can only control how I show up in it. One promise I’ve always made to my children is that I won’t lie to them. So I never gave Aiden a timeline.
But I do remember that terrible moment—thinking, He’s not going to be home tonight. I won’t be the one putting him to bed.
That feeling is indescribable. But I had to push it down. I had to keep going—because I’m a mom. And whether you’re a mom, a dad, a sibling, a grandparent, a caregiver... It’s so hard to accept.
But what I came back to was this: My child’s needs come before my feelings.
If you can hold onto that and keep your eyes on the bigger picture, you’ll find the strength to take each step—to do what needs to be done. There will be time later to process everything else.
We’ll talk more in the third part of this series about what the rest of the family can do—parents, siblings, caregivers. Because you do need time to look inward and clean house, emotionally speaking.
Tiffany: Oh.
Rivka: And that’s so important. But during the decision-making process—during the transition into a place of safety—your job is to stay focused on keeping your child and your family safe.
Tiffany: Yes.
Rivka: I can’t emphasize this enough—there are going to be so many things you’ll need to compartmentalize. You’ll have to put them in a box and promise yourself: I will come back to this. But for now, you have to close that box.
I remember, right before we left, Aiden was trying hard to get me to back down. I said, “I love you, and that’s why we’re doing this.” His response? He destroyed our guest room. It was his way of saying, “If you’re going to send me away, let me leave you with a parting gift.”
Tiffany: The tears didn’t work, so then came the anger. I often tell parents—Your child is going to try everything to communicate, 'I don’t want to change. This is too hard. I’m not comfortable.”
Rivka: Exactly. And once I realized Aiden was going to do whatever he could, I flipped the script. I started creating incentives. At the airport, he got a sweatshirt that cost an obscene amount of money, because he followed through on everything he needed to do to get there.
I don’t even remember what we promised if he got on the plane without any drama. But I do know there was a lot of what you might call bribery—though I think of it as incentivizing very basic compliance.
Because at that point, the only goal was getting him to a place of safety. If that meant a $100 sweatshirt or three donuts—one for getting in the car, one for boarding the flight, one for landing—so be it.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: I received some criticism for how I physically got him to the program. And yes, he’s diabetic. I don’t say that lightly. But the three donuts it took to get him there were far less harmful than what could have happened if something went catastrophically wrong between our home, the airport, and the two-hour drive to the program.
Tiffany: Yeah.
The Fear of Sending a Child Away
Rivka: Keep your eye on the ball. Get your child to a place of safety.
Tiffany: You’ve touched on a few really important things. First, it’s incredibly scary to send your child away. But it got to a point where your child’s well-being—and your entire family’s well-being—was at risk. It was no longer safe at home. Things weren’t working, and so you had to look outside.
A lot of parents struggle with that, especially if it means sending their child out of state. How did you get to the point where you were okay with that?
Rivka: That’s a great question. The truth is, some states have more resources than others.
Aiden: And Maryland was not one of them.
Rivka: (laughs) Maryland is not one of them. But really, the whole nation is lacking when it comes to solid treatment resources. So when we spoke to both educational consultants, I was very clear—geography was not a factor. Finding the right program was the only priority.
Tiffany: That’s huge, because a lot of parents aren’t there. They want a close program. They want to be able to visit on the same day.
Rivka: I understand that. But honestly, sending your child to the wrong program is worse. It’s more damaging than not sending them at all.
And when you’re at the point where you’re considering treatment, it usually means you’ve exhausted all your other options. So now, it’s not about convenience. It’s about finding the program that will help your child heal.
I often hear parents say things like, “I need it to be within driving distance,” or “I have other children to think about.” But if your other children are living in an unsafe home environment, we have to put that into perspective.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: This is where triage thinking helps. If you’re a list-maker, write it out. Put “Safety” at the top—because it always is. Then you can see how things like “comfort” or “distance” measure up. And when you look at it on paper, it’s pretty clear: comfort isn’t more important than safety.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: For us, geography didn’t matter. And if you break it down, whether it’s a two-hour flight or a six-hour flight—does it make a difference?
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: Traveling from the East Coast to Utah every few weeks for multiple years was exhausting. And yes, it cost us a lot. But today, I have my son. He’s alive. He’s safe. He’s thriving.
If I had to do it again—and fly even farther—I would. Because proximity is a short-term issue. The right program is what matters. And the results speak for themselves.
So yes, we started in North Carolina. Then we went to Texas. Then we landed in Utah.
Tiffany: Okay.
Rivka: And every one of those programs served a purpose. North Carolina was the wrong fit, but it still led us to a stabilization program called Copestone. We ended up staying there for about three weeks.
And I can’t say enough good things about Copestone. It’s hands down the best psychiatric system I’ve ever worked with. From doctors to techs to administrative support, they went above and beyond.
They even borrowed staff from the geriatric unit to sit with me while I was breaking down in the corner. There were no limits to the ways they supported our family during a deeply traumatic time.
Tiffany: Wow. So it was a stabilization phase.
Rivka: Yes, exactly. And during that time, his dad and I alternated every other day—because parents had to be on-site on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
Tiffany: Oh my goodness.
Rivka: Yep. And there was a parent there every single Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. It was exhausting and emotionally intense. After that, we moved to Texas.
We went to Liberty Hill, Texas, next, and we were there for five and a half months. It was during COVID, so things got complicated. We’d schedule a visit—and then an outbreak would happen. So we’d have to cancel and reschedule, and then wait until the unit had gone a certain amount of time COVID-free.
Their super spreader status was top-tier. (laughs) So we just learned to roll with the punches. Again, what’s the priority? Safety. Everything else is extra.
Tiffany: But speaking of safety—that’s one of the biggest fears parents have about sending their kids away. Will my child be safe? Is the program trustworthy?
There’s so much in the media, and some of it is exaggerated—or at least sensationalized. It’s like airplane crashes: yes, they happen, but flying is still one of the safest ways to travel. We just hear about crashes because they’re dramatic.
I think it’s similar to residential treatment. Yes, there have been stories where kids weren’t safe—but for every one of those, there are hundreds more where kids were safe and found healing. We just don’t hear those stories as often.
Which is why I’m so grateful that you’re here sharing yours.
So, going back to the question: how did you know Aiden would be safe?
Rivka: You can research all day long. And yes, you should read reviews—but take them with a grain of salt.
If a review is written by a child who was just discharged, they likely haven’t processed the experience yet. And if it’s written by someone who never really engaged in treatment, or didn’t recover, they may still be stuck. So they’re writing from that place.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: It’s just important to consider the source. The success stories are harder to find because they’re not as dramatic. They don’t get clicks.
One of the first things I did after Aiden was discharged from Meridell was write a review. Because people forget to do that, we get caught up in the celebration, and we move on. But it’s so important to share the success stories too.
And not just for the internet—it’s for the parent who’s trying to figure out what to do next. I’ve served as a resource for every program Aiden has attended, because I want other families to know what to expect.
Yes, you’re going to get phone calls that rip your heart to shreds. Yes, it’s going to be hard to sleep. But that doesn’t mean your child isn’t safe. It means they want to come home. And you want that too.
I wanted to put my child to bed. I wanted to wake him up in the morning. I wanted to give him his meds. I wanted to make him breakfast. That was my reality—my heart was across the country.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rivka: It’s hard to function like that. And it can all get jumbled up—the emotional pain you’re feeling, and your child tugging on your heartstrings in their way, trying to say, “Mom, just bring me home.”
Tiffany: Because the truth is—they’re scared. They’re being held accountable. They’re being asked to change. And change is hard. You didn’t send them off to a spa. You sent them somewhere to do the hardest work of their lives.
Rivka: Exactly. So what I say to parents is: Buckle up.
Your child is going to try to manipulate you. They’re good at it. That’s how they got here. And also—plug into the program.
Don’t come in as a demanding customer. This isn’t a business transaction. Be a participant. Go to the parent weekends. Take the trips. When they invite you to be involved, say yes.
Tiffany: That’s what I wanted to ask you! Did you visit the programs?
Rivka: All the time.
Tiffany: Why?
Rivka: Well, not before placement. There just isn’t time. When your child is in crisis, timing is everything.
But after he was safe—after he had stabilized at Meridell—we were offered the chance to visit Utah programs before making a move. We didn’t end up doing it in person, but we did online interviews.
Aiden got to interview the programs. He talked with staff and even current students. They didn’t cut the interview process short—they asked us, “Would you like to talk to more people? More students? More therapists?”
Every program we’ve worked with has been transparent and collaborative. If we had asked to speak to the chef, I’m pretty sure they would have arranged it.
And we had specific needs. Aiden is diabetic. So we asked questions about accommodations—like, at Meridell, students earned soda and pizza on Friday nights if they had a good week. We asked if he could have a diet soda.
When they couldn’t find the right size bottles, no problem—Walmart delivered full cases of diet soda every fourth Friday. That was his soda.
Tiffany: That’s incredible.
Rivka: They worked with us, but it wasn’t forced. They brought the questions, but they didn’t demand anything. These are people who want to help you and your family, but they don’t push. For example, it wasn’t their job to go find my child’s diet soda. They worked with us. They tried, and when it didn’t work with their current provider, they didn’t insist we change our delivery service. They just made it happen.
We had similar challenges with snacks. For Aiden’s diabetes, which was completely out of control at the time, the safest option we could find was nuts. They couldn’t always facilitate getting those, but we found alternatives. Walmart was really helpful in delivering things to Maridell. We even found snacks like Atkins peanut M&Ms that worked.
Tiffany: Yeah, there are always solutions.
Rivka: Exactly. The key is working with the program, not demanding things from it.
Tiffany: So, you're saying you took the time to research and scout out the program. You were even involved in details like snacks. You made sure your child got the things that were important to you and that he was safe, especially when home wasn’t safe anymore. You did your homework to ensure that he could heal and move forward.
Rivka: It goes beyond just research, though. I can’t stress this enough: you have to be part of the program at every step.
Tiffany: You can’t just send your child away and then sit back and relax.
Rivka: Exactly. You need to show up as often as they ask—or even more. Offer to be there. When there were moments of crisis, I dropped everything and went. There was a specific phone call where everything had to stop, and I just boarded a plane to come out here.
You need to remember, you’re still the parent. No one is going to take on that responsibility for you. You’ve got to own it. And part of owning it is also owning your stuff. We all contribute to our family dynamics, especially as parents. We’re the leaders in the family system.
Tiffany: Right.
Rivka: And when the system is failing or broken, the leadership needs to step up. Being a courageous parent in this process means acknowledging, "I probably played a part in this, and I need to unpack my stuff too."
I love that Clinton talks about the family as a puzzle. Every family is a puzzle, and when we send one piece away to be reshaped, the whole puzzle needs to be reshaped. Otherwise, the child won’t have a place to fit back in. If you don’t do that, the child will just return to the old shape to fit back into the family.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Aiden: One piece of advice I got was to change the environment when a child comes home from treatment. After we moved to a new state, my mom restructured my room. I wasn’t expecting that, but she did it. The advice was to make the room look different so it’s not a reminder of old habits. There's a psychological aspect to it, like not falling back into the same routines or thinking patterns.
Tiffany: Right, changing the environment is important.
Aiden: Yeah, the whole environment needs to change.
Tiffany: What were your biggest fears or concerns about leaving home?
Aiden: I think it was mostly about missing out. I felt like I wasn’t part of the family experiences. It made me feel somewhat involved when I got pictures, but sometimes it hit me hard that I wasn’t there. For example, I missed my older brother’s high school graduation. At first, I was happy for him, but then I just thought, "I wish I were there." So, missing big moments, especially with my immediate family, was hard for me.
Rivka: In preparing for this, one of the most overwhelming things as a parent is the thought, “Oh my God, I’m sending my child away.” It’s heartbreaking. You think about all the things you’ll miss—putting them to bed, making breakfast, missing holidays.
But staying plugged in helped. Aiden got mail almost daily. Every week, I did Walgreens photo dumps—printing out pictures from that week and sending them.
Aiden: Oh my God, I had a pillowcase full of pictures!
Rivka: Yep. We’d write captions on the back—like if it was a funny picture of the dog who had just run off with someone’s underwear, we’d write a note about it. When our family got together—which we do at least once a year—we made sure to print those pictures, write letters, and send them too.
He probably got more mail than all the other kids combined.
Tiffany: I think he probably did!
Rivka: My brother sent mail weekly, I sent something at least every other week, and I constantly recruited family members. My nieces and nephews made drawings, my siblings sent letters and photos. I’d tell them, “Just print photos off your phone and send them.”
Tiffany: Aiden, how did it feel to get all those pictures? Did it make you want to give up and stop doing therapy because you were missing out? Or did it motivate you?
Aiden: It kind of sent me down a rabbit hole emotionally, but my therapist used that. They’d say, “Then get the heck out of here. Do the work so you can be in those pictures again.”
Tiffany: That’s huge. I talk with a lot of parents who are hesitant to admit their child because there’s a birthday coming up, or Christmas, or Hanukkah—whatever the special occasion is. They think, “Maybe we should wait until after the holiday.”
Rivka: You have to keep safety front and center. Let’s take just 30 seconds to define what safety means—because it’s often misunderstood.
Tiffany: Yes, please do.
Rivka: First and foremost, physical safety. In most of the cases I’ve seen, physical safety is absolutely at risk. Whether the child is a danger to themselves or others—or both—that’s usually where families are by the time they consider treatment.
But you also need to consider the emotional and mental safety of the rest of the family.
Recognizing the Need for Help
Rivka: If I could do one thing differently, it would be to send Aiden to treatment sooner. I was so determined to handle it myself, to keep him home, and to avoid the feeling of failure. But I waited nine to twelve months too long. And during that time, we all endured a tremendous amount of trauma—trauma that could’ve been avoided.
The person who helped me see that was our pediatrician. She asked, “Have you considered your other children?”
I recently spoke with a mother of four whose third child had completely destabilized the household. I asked her the same question, and she suddenly realized—“Oh my God. My other kids are suffering.”
Sometimes we need that wake-up call. You have to take inventory. You’re the leader of this organization, and you call your family.
So when we talk about safety, we need to consider everyone: physical, emotional, and mental safety. If any of that is compromised, the conversation needs to shift to “How do we restore safety?”
Food preferences? Favorite blankets? Whether your child miss Christmas? Think about this instead: maybe they’ll miss this Christmas, but if you don’t get them help now, will they be around for the next one?
Tiffany: That’s a conversation to have.
Rivka: That’s a conversation you have to have.
Tiffany: It goes both ways. I loved how you explained safety, Rivka, because it puts everything into perspective. Does this Christmas matter if safety is at stake? I’ve worked with so many families who choose to wait until after a holiday to admit their child. And what often happens? The holiday goes wrong. Some crisis explodes because they waited too long, trying to preserve the illusion of a perfect family gathering—when, in reality, things weren’t okay. There was already trauma, chaos, and unsafe dynamics brewing.
Aiden: Yeah, I think—sorry—
Tiffany: No, go ahead.
Aiden: I was just gonna say, I think a helpful way to look at it is the “rule of fives.”
Rivka: Can you explain that?
Aiden: Yeah, it usually applies to smaller situations, like: Will this matter in five minutes? Five weeks? Five months? Five years? But in this case, you can expand it. So maybe it’s not about five minutes—maybe you ask: Will this matter in five months? Five years? Like, will missing this Christmas matter five years from now if you’ve already had three great ones since then?
Tiffany: Exactly.
Aiden: It depends on your situation. If it’s a short-term treatment, your child might even be home in five weeks or five months. Or maybe it’s long-term, but either way, years from now, this one missed holiday probably won’t matter the way it feels like it does in the moment.
Tiffany: Yes. What I try to emphasize is: your child may miss this one holiday because of the choices that led to needing treatment, and because of the need for safety, but by sending them away now, you’re giving them (and your family) the chance to gain future holidays. Healthier, happier ones. If you don’t get them help, you could end up losing those holidays altogether.
Aiden: Yeah. But it’s hard to see that when you’re in it. You have to detach first—not in the sense of, “I don’t want to see them,” but in the sense of letting go of the ideal. Like my mom said, she wanted to tuck me in every night, but she couldn’t. You have to detach from those day-to-day rituals you want to hold onto, so that later, you can reattach healthily.
Tiffany: Yes.
Rivka: I think I’d maybe reframe that a little—I’d use the word compartmentalize instead of detach. There is a place for mourning. I had moments where I needed to shut the world out and just feel the pain. That’s valid. But that time isn’t during the crisis. So put the grief in a box for now. You can come back to it later—when your child is safe, when your family is stabilizing. Right now, safety comes first.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Rivka: And you can come back to it in like a few minutes, but you just—you should get through the crisis. Exactly. I’ll share that we haven’t had all four of our children at home—
Aiden: Together. Yeah.
Rivka: Together since before Aiden went to treatment in September of 2021. And mostly because our kids are in college and none of the breaks have overlapped. Even during the holidays, we’ve had to break them up because they have other parents to see. So we did Christmas with these two, and then Christmas with those two—it just didn’t happen all together. So, we will all be together for the first time since 2021 to celebrate Aiden’s high school graduation.
Tiffany: That’s awesome.
Rivka: And I’ll share that back in September of 2021, when we decided to send him away, it was either that, or he was going to end up dead or in jail. There was nowhere else for him to go. We were heading down a dark path. One was final, and the other was almost just as final and involved a lot of concrete. So yeah, not being together for nearly four years has sucked.
Celebrating Milestones Amidst Challenges
Rivka: It’s not how we wanted to spend our holidays. But here we are, planning this phenomenal weekend to celebrate a huge milestone. And for us, the milestone is so much bigger than Aiden just graduating—it’s that he’s home, he’s thriving, and our family has healed to the point where we can all be together again. Sometimes you just have to believe in the process, take that leap, prioritize safety, and then let go.
Tiffany: I just want to end there. I don’t even have anything else to say. That was so beautiful—to bring it full circle. Because at the beginning, you didn’t know if he would even graduate. You didn’t know if your family could come back together. And I think that’s something really important to point out to parents and listeners—there’s this ideal, this fantasy of what a family should be, what that connection should look like. And the reality, like you said, Aiden, is that we sometimes have to compartmentalize and realize that’s not where we are. That ideal isn’t real right now. And then you mourn it. You mourn the loss of what you thought your family was going to be, or who you thought your child was going to be. And then, you embrace what’s happening.
But what I love about your message is this: once you took the steps to get Aiden help, once you prioritized safety and support for him and your family, you found healing. There is hope. Families can come back together. You can have milestones. You can have meaningful moments. Maybe not the exact son or the exact family you imagined… but maybe even something better. Would you say that’s fair?
Aiden: I would say that’s pretty fair. Yeah, it’s sad we haven’t all been together since 2021. But like my stepdad pointed out, I have a better relationship with my stepsisters than I ever have before. So yeah, I think you do get something better from it. Because instead of settling, you take the harder path, and you end up working harder, and you get a better outcome.
Rivka: Yeah.
Aiden: You get this even better product.
The Journey to Healing and Better Relationships
Rivka: We are 100% better for the process we’ve gone through.
Tiffany: Which—stay tuned, listeners—we’re going to talk about that process in our next episode. You guys, thank you so much for coming on here, being vulnerable, and helping our listeners hear… maybe not the “sexy” story of a dramatic crisis, but the story of success, of healing, of real work. And what I’m hearing is—it takes work. It’s not easy. And we’re going to touch on that. Because parents need to know: if you go down this road, it’s not Disneyland. It’s not some magical fix. But it’s worth it. It’s better than Disneyland—for our Disneyland lovers.
Aiden: Magic Mountain comes after.
Tiffany: Exactly. So thank you again for joining us. Stay tuned—our next episode will dive into what life in residential treatment is like, and what parents can realistically expect.