Being the parent of a troubled teen is anything but easy. While trying to manage your teen’s problem behavior, it can be difficult not to engage in problematic behavior of your own. You might find yourself being unfairly harsh or critical, or “helping” your teen in situations where it might be better to let your teen face the consequences.
Key Takeaways
Understanding how your teen thinks and responds to challenges can help you support them more effectively. This page explores:
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Recognizing Unhealthy Ego States – Learn about six unhealthy ego states that can lead to impulsive decisions, strained relationships, and negative patterns in troubled teens.
- Developing the Wise Executor – Discover how Discovery Ranch helps boys shift from unhealthy ego states to the Wise Executor, the key to making responsible decisions and maintaining healthy relationships.
- Building Lasting Change – Through experiential therapy, mindfulness, and structured support, teens at Discovery Ranch strengthen self-awareness, emotional regulation, and decision-making skills for a healthier future.
Contact Discovery Ranch today to learn how our specialized autism treatment program can guide your teen towards a brighter, more fulfilling future.
What Are Ego States?
One way of improving the chance of responding healthily is to make sure that you are operating from a healthy Ego State. The theory of Ego States is based on the work of Eric Berne, and his research on Transactional Analysis. The terms Berne uses have been changed in this article to better suit the way they fit into our therapeutic program at Discovery Ranch.
At Discovery Ranch, we understand that many of the struggles our students face can be linked to what we recognize as unhealthy "ego states." These states describe thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that people use when they interact with others. Being in the right Ego State will help you and your son make better choices, even when things get rough.
A Word of Caution
When you learn to recognize ego states, you might be tempted to call other people out on the Ego State that they appear to be operating in. Resist the urge to label other people. It could be counterproductive and cause people to become resentful. Instead of focusing on other people, think of these tips as ways of helping yourself to make your best choices.
Identifying Unhealthy Ego States
There are seven different Ego States, and six of those ego states are unhealthy. The unhealthy Ego States are: Selfish, Pleaser, Rebellious, Master Manipulator, Critical, and Enabling.
- Selfish – In the Selfish ego state, people are reckless and demanding. They try to have fun without thinking of the consequences. At Discovery Ranch, boys learn to recognize how this mindset contributes to risky decisions and family conflict.
- Pleaser – People who are Pleasers obey the rules, but do not necessarily believe in the rules. They are obedient in the hopes of “flying under the radar”. They are more concerned with looking like a good person than being a good person. Boys get help to develop authentic values rather than just trying to look good at Discovery Ranch.
- Rebellious – The opposite of the Pleaser would be Rebellious. Rebellious people are openly oppositional. They resent and reject control by others. Also, they reject the ideas of cooperation or compromise. Many of our students arrive with rebellious tendencies that our structured environment helps transform.
- Manipulator – Manipulators have no regard for rules that get in the way of their interests. They will exaggerate, distort the truth, or try to play psychological games with others. They intend to serve themselves at the expense of others. Our experiential therapy helps boys see the consequences of manipulation and learn healthier ways to meet their needs.
- Critical – Critical people try to control other people by being demanding or judgmental. They might also use sarcasm. The intention is to dominate other people. Through our relationship-based approach, boys learn to express themselves without criticism or judgment.
- Enabling – People who are Enabling try to eliminate other people’s suffering in order to make themselves feel more comfortable. They feel it is their responsibility to make other people happy or successful. While Enabling people to believe that they are being nurtured, the message that they send to others is that other people are not capable of caring for themselves. Our family therapy helps parents shift from enabling to supporting in healthy ways.
How Discovery Ranch Helps Boys Shift to Healthy Ego States
You may recognize that more than one of these Ego States is familiar to you. Most people show behavior that demonstrates these first six ego states by the time they are three years old. Ego States continue to develop throughout a person’s life, but different Ego States dominate at different times.
None of these first six Ego States are especially good at helping teens make the right decisions or maintain relationships. These six Ego States often lead to impulsive decisions, strained relationships, and unhealthy patterns – precisely the challenges that bring many boys to Discovery Ranch. Our program is designed to help your son reach a new Ego State, the Wise Executor, which could help him improve his choices and relationships.
Wise Executor - The Key to Healthy Decision-Making
The healthiest Ego State is the Wise Executor. At Discovery Ranch, our entire therapeutic approach is designed to help boys develop this state. When you operate from this state, you:
- Stay present and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Our Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) teaches mindfulness and emotional regulation skills that directly contribute to this ability.
- Support others without enabling unhealthy dependencies. Through group therapy and community living, our students learn the difference between helping and enabling.
- Make decisions based on personal moral values rather than external pressures. Our emphasis on principles like honesty, respect, responsibility, and accountability supports this moral development.
- Strategize solutions instead of resorting to manipulation. Experiential therapy activities like equine therapy challenge boys to develop strategic problem-solving skills and take responsibility for their actions.
When Does the Wise Executor Develop?
The Wise Executor Ego State develops later than the others. In many people, it does not develop until they are around eight years old. In some people, it might be developed later. At Discovery Ranch, we've seen that many struggling teens need additional support to fully develop this state, which is why our program is so effective.
Strengthening Your Wise Executor
For the Wise Executor to guide your choices, you need self-awareness and insight. This requires mastering Insight Management—the ability to recognize your motivations and behaviors.
Here’s how your teen can strengthen this Ego State:
- Practice Self-Reflection – Our highly experienced therapists provide a safe space for boys to examine their thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Individual therapy sessions focus on building this crucial skill.
- Stay Mindful – Our structured environment and daily routines help boys focus on the present moment instead of being ruled by past experiences or future anxieties.
- Seek Constructive Feedback – Our supportive community and relationship-based approach provide boys with honest, constructive feedback from both peers and staff in a safe environment.
- Make Intentional Choices – Through natural consequences and our level system, boys learn to avoid acting on impulse or emotional reactivity.
Developing insight is hard, but it is worth it. Without a strong Wise Executor, your son's interpersonal relationships may degenerate into a web of unproductive and manipulative games with no real winners, and no real intimacy. At Discovery Ranch, students are in the perfect environment for this important development work.
The goal of personality development is to help the Wise Executor Ego State become the strongest part of one’s personality and appropriately govern the other Ego States. Succeeding in this goal will help a person to succeed in their relationships, and to make choices that make them proud.
At Discovery Ranch, we understand the challenges of parenting a struggling teen. Our program is specifically designed to help boys move beyond unhealthy ego states and develop the thoughtful, responsible, and resilient characteristics of the "Wise Executor." Contact us today to learn how we can help your son transform his life.