As a parent of a struggling teen, finding effective ways to help your son communicate his needs while maintaining healthy relationships can be challenging. Discovery Ranch's approach to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) provides practical, evidence-based strategies that can transform how your teen interacts with the world. The DEAR MAN technique is one powerful tool within DBT that teaches adolescents how to assert themselves respectfully and effectively—a crucial skill for navigating life's complex social demands.
Key Takeaways
Understanding how your teen thinks and responds to challenges can help you support them more effectively. This page explores:
- DEAR MAN is a proven communication strategy that helps teens clearly express their needs without damaging relationships, using a step-by-step approach (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate).
- DBT at Discovery Ranch targets teens in crisis through a comprehensive program addressing anxiety, depression, trauma/PTSD, and ADHD through four core skill modules: Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.
- The multi-faceted learning environment combines structured group sessions, individual therapy, and experiential applications (like equine therapy and outdoor adventures) to reinforce DBT skills in real-world contexts.
- Family involvement is essential for lasting change, with weekly therapy sessions and Parent Day Seminars teaching parents to support and reinforce DBT skills like DEAR MAN at home.
- Mastering communication skills like DEAR MAN builds lasting resilience, giving teens the tools to navigate complex relationships, advocate for their needs, and maintain hea
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DBT Skills: How to Get People to Do What You Want
DEAR MAN is an acronym to help you remember a behavioral strategy that can make it more likely that you get what you want from other people. It is not a Jedi mind control trick. It is a strategy to help you assert yourself to other people while maintaining healthy relationships. The DEAR MAN strategy is part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, an evidence-based form of therapy designed to help you live your best life. There are seven steps to DEAR MAN.
D – Describe the situation.
When you describe the situation, stick to the facts. It is a good idea to try to remove yourself from the situation, and speak as if you were an impartial third party.
For example, imagine that your teenage son has been coming home after the curfew you set for him. You could describe the situation by saying, “You have been late coming home three times this week.”
E – Express how you feel about the situation.
Avoid getting upset. Express how you feel using I-statements. When you express your feelings, beliefs, and needs starting with the word “I”, then you are using an I-statement. I-statements are important because they keep communication open.
In the example, you might say, “I worry about you when it is late, and I don’t know where you are.” Your son will be more likely to continue engaging with you if you use I-statements rather than if you said, “You are irresponsible.” or “You make me worry.”
A – Assert yourself.
Assert yourself does not mean being aggressive. It means asking directly for what you want. Asserting yourself can be uncomfortable, but keep in mind that people cannot read your mind. By clearly expressing what you want or need, you are helping other people to support you.
Looking at the example, you might tell your son, “I need you to come home on time.”
R – Reinforce your request.
In relationships, we reward each other for doing things that we like all the time. This could be something as simple as saying, “Thank you.” or baking a cake for someone who has done something nice for you.
For example, you might tell your son, “I would be more willing to let you spend time with your friends if you show me that you can be responsible.”
M – Mindfulness is vital.
Keep your focus on what you want. Avoid distractions. If the person that you are asserting yourself to attacks you personally, hold your ground. Ignore attacks.
If your son begins to verbally attack you, do your best to remain composed and focused.
A – Appear confident.
For many people, asserting yourself is uncomfortable. You might not feel confident, but that does not mean you cannot look confident.
When you are talking with your son, make eye contact. Speak calmly, clearly and loudly.
N – Negotiate.
The ideal outcome is where both parties feel like they have won. This means listening to the other person. Interpersonal effectiveness is not about dictating to other people what they should do. To be effective, you have to be open to what the other person has to say.
In our example, your son might argue that he comes home late due to circumstances beyond his control. You might settle on a compromise that satisfies both of you. For example, you might reach an agreement that your son must call home if he is going to be late.
Not only does using the DEAR MAN skill help you get what you want, it helps you preserve your relationships in the process. This strategy is one of the many ways that DBT can help you to live your best life.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) at Discovery Ranch
At Discovery Ranch, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) forms the core of our therapeutic approach for teens in crisis. This evidence-based therapy was specifically designed to help adolescents develop crucial coping skills and emotional regulation strategies. Our comprehensive DBT program supports teenage students who struggle with various challenges including anxiety, depression, trauma/PTSD, and ADHD.
The Four Core DBT Skills Modules
While DEAR MAN is a powerful interpersonal effectiveness skill, it exists within a broader framework of DBT skills that we teach at Discovery Ranch:
- Mindfulness - Teaching teens to be present in the moment, observe their thoughts without judgment, and make conscious choices rather than reacting impulsively.
- Emotion Regulation - Providing strategies to understand, identify, and manage intense emotions effectively.
- Distress Tolerance - Helping teens develop healthy ways to cope with painful events and emotions when they cannot be immediately changed.
- Interpersonal Effectiveness - Teaching skills like DEAR MAN that help teens communicate assertively, maintain self-respect, and strengthen relationships.
How We Teach DBT Skills
At Discovery Ranch, we believe in a multifaceted approach to teaching DBT skills:
- Skills Training Groups - Students participate in regular DBT skills groups where they learn specific techniques like DEAR MAN in a supportive peer environment. These structured sessions provide direct instruction and practice opportunities.
- Individual Therapy - Each student works with an experienced therapist who reinforces DBT skills and helps apply them to personal challenges. Therapists use tools like diary cards to track symptoms and skill use.
- Experiential Application - What makes our approach unique is the integration of DBT skills into experiential therapies. Activities such as equine therapy, outdoor adventures, and recreational therapy provide real-world opportunities for students to practice skills like assertiveness (the "A" in DEAR MAN) in meaningful contexts.
- Supportive Environment - Our 24/7 staffing ensures that students have constant support as they practice newly learned skills in daily interactions. Staff members are trained to reinforce DBT principles and provide in-the-moment coaching.
The "Wise Mind" Philosophy
Central to our DBT approach is the concept of "Wise Mind" - the balance between rational thinking and emotional awareness. We teach students that effective communication using strategies like DEAR MAN comes from this balanced mental state, where they can express their needs assertively while still being mindful of relationships.
The Wise Mind approach includes core mindfulness skills:
- "What" Skills: Observe, Describe, Participate
- "How" Skills: Nonjudgmentally, One-mindfully, Effectively
These foundational concepts support communication skills like DEAR MAN by helping teens stay grounded and present during difficult conversations.
Family Involvement in DBT
We recognize that family support is essential for lasting change. Through weekly family therapy sessions and Parent Day Seminars, we help parents understand DBT skills like DEAR MAN so they can reinforce these techniques at home. Families learn how to create an environment that supports effective communication and emotional growth.
You are an important part of your son’s healing journey. Call us to learn how you can strengthen your family: 855-662-9318
Our Expert Team
Our dedicated team of licensed therapists and clinical staff brings extensive experience in DBT implementation for adolescents. With specialized training in evidence-based approaches, our therapists provide individualized treatment that addresses each student's unique needs while teaching essential life skills like those found in the DEAR MAN strategy.
Building Lasting Resilience
By mastering DBT skills like DEAR MAN, students at Discovery Ranch develop the tools they need for long-term success. These communication strategies help teens navigate complex relationships, advocate for their needs, and maintain healthy boundaries - essential skills that support their continued growth and emotional well-being long after they leave our program.